they are all my favorite clips, and this is one of them
“you can’t go back to life the same way”
they are all my favorite clips, and this is one of them
“you can’t go back to life the same way”
photo by Jennifer Santaniello
I used to sort of think that there was — never in the sense that I resented anyone for their wealth/abundance, and I mean not ever. I never coveted or envied. for some reason. some of my friends did. whatever messages they received about wealth or abundance growing up caused them to side-eye anyone whom they perceived represented something that they could never “be” or have. but the way in which I sort of thought that there was something more spiritual about being poor was feeling the absence of my own entitlement to having things…anything that made me happy or comfortable, really. my challenge was on an emotional level. some folks’ challenge is literally on a physical level that resides in an empty core full of lack mentality. my mentality was not so much lack, but rather “if I am to have, then it is not fair to others”. I had, as my therapist calls it, pathological guilt as well as pathological gratitude. I won’t bother with the spores and particulars of such here, you can read about that in other blog posts.
my pathological guilt was the main culprit most of my life and with the help of certain ptsd issues around money and resources to really light it on fire, I ended up being terrified to have anything at all. as much as this was born from both emotional and ptsd roots, it had physical legs. I was actually afraid that if I ever had or saved money, that it will be stolen in the middle of the night and my bank accounts would disappear. this is an actual fear that I had, as an adult. rooted in fascinating early reality. though my psychological connection to the roots would come much later in life. as my personal issues around experience and personal messaging swirled around me, I became logistically hopeful for a new reality as well as a bright future in which I could pay my rent and eat and actually travel or buy things (regardless of what job I had or did not have)…but emotionally and unconsciously, I was still super committed to another truth…(I will also note that this is/was separate from but often in tandem with the dark nights of the soul I went through, which were periods of time that literally chained me to my immediate surroundings, often unable to do or prevented from doing things, as I processed a number of…processes, lol!).
“I am more spiritual because I am poor” — now, I didn’t consciously believe this. some people ACTUALLY consciously believe this. and it’s total shit. but my unconscious belief was total shit as well, regardless of how it manifested for me. my conscious and unconscious minds were at a constant impasse and battle over whether I deserved anything. I “knew” I did, but I didn’t “know” I did. I could not seem to cross that bridge as my unconscious mind played all kinds of tricks on me via…MY EMOTIONS…
for example. when riding public transpo, I would see many people who struggle and will always struggle. in those moments, my pathological guilt and gratitude toward the Universe and world around me would kick in and my mind would translate that into “if they can’t have, then why can you? no – this is not right, you must live as your fellow wo/man or commoner!”. I had a hard time connecting to theories of relativity as it related to WHY person A would be afforded xyz, and person B would not be. it took years to overcome this, mostly as I battled different personal voices consciously and unconsciously. and during the time I spent overcoming this, I began to understand that: THERE IS NOTHING SPIRITUAL ABOUT BEING POOR…
as I volunteered with non profits and worked with many people who were underprivileged or under-served by the human race in some way, it actually put into perspective the fact that I was not only NOT helping others by resisting what could be available to me in the world, but I was sending a message to them that they are not entitled to their own abundance, whatever relative particulars that reality may hold. I started to think about the fact that I was not taking anything from anyone else simply by living in my own potential, but that I might be taking something from those who looked at me as some kind of an example or reality to aspire to. if we do not allow ourselves to full bloom, where is the inspiration for others who live in contrast with us, and vice versa?
we are all inspired on a daily basis, whether we recognize it or not. we might be inspired by talent, actual wealth/prosperity, or those who have nothing and live like they have everything. we are humans therefore we have contrast — “good” and “bad” around us at all times. living or not living in full potential is a personal choice and it affects not only us, but others who are seeking permission. we are all seeking permission by the way. because we all want to be liked. whether we say that we do or we say that we do not. I wanted permission back when I rode the bus and saw sick, depressed and handicapped people and decided that because of their existence on our planet, I did not deserve anything above the super basics — because I already felt so blessed to not have their challenges!
I recall attending some “spiritual” workshop one day many years ago. as usual I couldn’t understand where all of the “normal” people were? (this divide will soon bridge….). you know, the people who go out into the world, work an actual 9-5, have a healthy partnership and raise kids like status quo America and don’t have a “spiritual” vocabulary. however this one time at this one event, the host was…normal. and, wealthy. I was used to being around super poor super “smart” people at these wacky but honestly informative events. and I tried to draw the correlation between the way that they lived (either in abundance or not) and the agreements in their minds and hearts. I was still figuring out my own. one of my agreements beyond deserving anything was “I have seen all of this before and it does not buy happiness so I will shun this world for myself”. of course this was an unconscious agreement. but it was one of many. and at the same time, I was really trying to reconcile that agreement into a healthy place of perspective because I was always in so much pain logistically (never having what I needed). I noticed at the event I speak of above, the normal and wealthy person who was there could not help where they came from, and perhaps they would serve as an example that people can be super wealthy and….spiritual? this person was an anomaly and they struck a cord within me.
many of the messages that I had received, and I think many of us received, is that there is humility in being poor (in whichever capacity — money, personal life, or otherwise!). that those who have a lot are “this way” or “that way” and not in a good way. or that “you can’t have it all!”. we have either experienced abundance as young people in a way that dictates the above messages (and unfortunately, sometimes “abundance” comes at a cost! for example if we come from wealthy families who are abusive and manipulative with money), or we have simply been influenced by society and politics and media that dictates the above messages or we interpret dictation of the above message. and the message is wrong.
the first part about abundance or money and spirituality is this; many people use the excuse of being poor because they are spiritual when they are in fact simply lazy. period. the second part about abundance or money and spirituality is this; many people use the excuse of being poor because they are spiritual when they are in fact at a true disconnect psychologically between their conscious mind and their unconscious mind. period. I can’t think of any other categories of people’s issues with spirituality and money that won’t line up under one of the above categories. I used to be part of the second category. I made this distinction in the beginning of this post as well.
when we finally begin to understand that there is nothing spiritual about being poor, and that excuses are simply self-serving, we also begin to understand that we get what we pay for. it has never ceased to amaze me that 100/100 times, those who do not even mention or question my fees have the BEST outcomes — and this is irrelevant and I mean absolutely irrelevant to their resources. imagine a multi-millionaire who can’t stomach hundreds per hour, yet the kid who lives in the projects and is footing bills that they deem important with their student loan money? yes imagine. I’ve seen it. witnessed it. experienced it. and it is a MENTALITY. either lack mentality, or a mentality of abundance. and the numbers that appear in their bank account are irrelevant to it. the lack mentality is a lifer mentality and I am allergic to it. I won’t work with people who have it anymore. I just won’t. it’s a cancer. and I’m not saying that I only work with people who have resources because that is not true. I still see a woman from many many moons ago who pays me 150 for two hours of work together, because this is the right thing to do for that relationship (and no I can’t do it all of the time or I would never continue growing). but the lack mentality is really nothing more than an energy. personally, I won’t take discounts. someone I hired months ago to do some work for me recently offered me a “friends and family” discount and I didn’t want it. because it wasn’t clean. because that’s not their fee, and then things become unbalanced. plus I ENJOY paying for value. it’s why I have a sub par apartment but stay in luxury spaces and usually over-tip. because I live in an abundant flow in the experience realm. it’s actually all we have anyhow, experiences. it’s all we take with us. I try to be open-minded but I don’t understand how anyone can expect true abundance in the world and then expect to successfully nickel and dime and discount their way into “important experiences”. the two things don’t go together.
no matter how broke I was — and I was ALWAYS broke — I would take the time to pay for an experience. to flood me with the feeling of abundance and escape lack mentality that many of my bitter artist friends had. I would take the only $20 that I had for an entire week (while missing rent) to buy the nicest Cabernet on the menu at the nearby luxury hotel. because I knew that one day, I could match the vibration I desired. I would sit in that experience and feel/write down all of my beliefs around money, wealth, and…abundance. because at the end of the day, it is not even about dollar signs but it is about having the FREEDOM to do xyz with ease and do xyz in a state of ease due to our surroundings or the person contributing to our experience. understanding this connection helped me tremendously, and I was also able to understand my disconnect around money and self-worth. I was able to understand that for me, for Aryn Elaine, I need to be able to do xyz in order to be at my best to do my WORK. and my work, my ways, my everything, is not someone or everyone else’s. when I made this connection I was able to let go and un-tether myself from the limiting experiences that others have. I didn’t need to live there anymore just because they did.
back to the person who hosted the spiritual event who was “normal”…this person left a lasting impression upon me. that it wasn’t evil to have money. that you can have your shit together mentally and emotionally and not be unhinged, and be spiritual. and rich. and it wasn’t a sin or selfish. I knew that to be true for others, just not for myself, up until that time and even for a time after that. just by existing and hosting us in their incredibly beautiful space and driving us in their fancy car I was able to let go of some of my preconceived notions about wealth and spirituality. this might sound sort of stupid, as I’m not sure I am articulating the experience very well here. at any rate I really began to understand that the blend between “spiritual” and “abundance” was mixing and that one day the world would be able to jointly embrace the two notions.
for example. I work with mostly quantitative people. some of them are millionaires or billionaires. and I have noticed them having the same beliefs!: that they are not spiritual, because they are wealthy. they have misdefined the definition of what “spiritual” is, and it has certainly been misdefined for them. sometimes this is a religious teachings result. sometimes it is many other things. and I have worked with them to show them that their platforms are actually crucial to bridging the gap between money and spirituality™…and they can do it…
I write this today because we can all stand to learn from our lack mentality. I had it and I explain how and why here. I feel that the most malignant form of lack mentality is wanting xyz but refusing to pay for it when it is an option. I see it a lot in others, and at the same time they want or expect their “life’s purpose and health and wealth” to flow — and it won’t flow when you are afraid to recycle energy into the Universe because you feel you have nothing within yourself to give and so money is your only tool. good luck with that one! and as I said, I am allergic to this mentality — and I will say it again that the mentality has NOTHING to do with the logistics or particulars…
I would also like to point out the following…if you are an artist, healer or otherwise relatively unboxed professional but you are indeed a professional, run from anyone who tries to bargain with you. you do not want the exchange that they are making. I’ve done this before and it has usually not been worth it. in fact, when I finally learned just how not worth it this was to do, I turned down tons of money. and then I attracted way more of it. there is a big difference between someone who truly can not do xyz logistically at this time, and they still have an attitude of abundance (I have been this person) that you can feel and it is supportive still to what each of you wants to accomplish — and someone who can or can not do xyz logistically at this time, and they have an attitude of lack or measurement around it. just the attitude alone is a toxic energy. if you feel this, do not bargain with it ever. it will cost you more than you can imagine. there are plenty of fish in the sea to line up with one another (lack attracts lack), logistics or not, and lining up with someone who thinks (consciously or unconsciously, and you will spot it) “it is spiritual to be poor” (anyone who does not live in abundance internally is one of these people) will cost you because of their ENERGY. “rich” or “poor”.
the personal breakthroughs that I’ve had in the past few years around understanding my value have come through my actual sessions (in which it has been the PATIENT each time who has encouraged me to raise my rates) as well as therapy with my own therapist and it has been quite the journey to have permission. I feel liberated from my own self-judgements and pathological guilt and gratitude, as well as those of OTHERS who have approached me with an energy of pure lack. I almost never attract those people anymore. and I will say it again: THIS IS AN ENERGY. I’ve worked with people in the projects who you would never know came from there, and they found a way to get what they needed from the Universe and from our work together. eventually, energy turns into tangible, one fine day…and we are ALL deserving of a positive outcome when we do the work. during my personal breakthrough journey I reached a place in which I saw the ultimate value of ME. of my work. I knew I could do things that no one else could do, and that is why many people were seeking me out. the “evidence” of my value and the inner work I was doing finally all came together and I began to protect my work and time (ENERGY!) as I would a tiny baby. and I started the journey of never feeling guilt again over my worth. I realize we don’t walk into Stella McCartney and ask why the prices aren’t matched to Walmart. everything has its energy. and we are entitled to whatever that personal energy is. nevermind what the world around us is doing.
there is nothing spiritual about being poor. how are we to help those who need it, if we hold ourselves in suspension and excuses? one of my greatest desires is to give back in ways that no one has ever done. not because no one has ever done them. but because I receive joy from imagining the ways that people could become inspired or benefit that they have never experienced or seen before. I live for the things that can change lives that have never been done before. I have been in and continue to have many conversations with innovators around this subject – blending resources with spirituality and rerouting all kinds of logistical and industry flows. and one day it will culminate. when we are full we are resourceful to ourselves and others. when we become a source of INSPIRATION or a resource to others, we are living in connection with the divine — we are in our active spirituality. in order to do this we must rise up to our best self, and access the inner and outer world gifts available to us. it is in doing this that we access our abundance. and the cycle is available to those around us to repeat…
if you are logistically poor and think that there is something spiritual about it, think again. if you are a trust fund kid who tries to hide it (have met too many of these gems to count, with lack mentality and entitlement to boot, lol!!) because you think there is something spiritual about being poor, think again. and if you are a 7 or 8 dollar-figure person of logistical wealth and you think you do not have a place in the spiritual world (I didn’t say religious), think again.
it is my hope that by 2020 we have some new and incredible examples of humans who truly embody both spirit and prosperity — of all kinds.
two separate but also interrelated concepts. I cover these topics because I couldn’t find anyone else who was covering them when I needed to understand them. I still can’t find anyone who is covering them in the way I feel they need to be, in order to truly move forward in life. this stuff is not sold in a bottle or an insta story or through “smart” marketing. it’s deeper.
every session I have ever had, whether the person was totally established or just starting out in the world, encompassed wanting to know their purpose or what MORE they could do with their current purpose. here is the underlying theme in EVERY single case: how honest are we with ourselves in OTHER parts of our life, that will enable us to expand?
if we are not honest with ourselves (it blows my mind how many of us are not – and for everyone who thinks 2016 was an accident or mishap, think about it again…it is a REFLECTION), how can we live in purpose or express purpose? the answer is: WE CAN NOT. so, most of the time I spend is centered around helping people get honest with themselves. the only way to do this is to figure out what we are afraid of. if we are unwilling to do that, we will remain “stuck” and resentful of anyone who tries to help us by reflecting back to us our truth. it kind of reminds me of those ladies who were kicked out of a very well-known band that dissolved into a Bey-hive — decades later and they were STILL talking about the one opportunity that “got away” from them. how sad. this is a perfect example of spiritual and emotional laziness hence blame, and it’s everywhere. we think because we are a “talented” writer or actor or WHATEVER that we are entitled to success, and here is another newsflash: we are not. we are not, because until we can get our mind out of trouble (most people’s minds are in trouble all day long), we will never achieve xyz tangible thing. I will also note that this is separate from the ability to make money. though it is often linked or can be linked. there are plenty of miserable wealthy people and bankers I know. their minds are in grave trouble but they refuse to get honest. then their energy just goes deeper into the hole of self destruction, addiction, and denial. and so this little paragraph here about honestly will let you know a little bit about the “work” involved in anything I do with others. if you are ready to confront yourself, then great! you will succeed. if you think you can keep lying and making excuses to yourself, then go to the roadside healer psychic fortune-teller with the neon lights!
finding and living in purpose requires honesty about where we have been, what has actually happened to us, how we feel about it, and whether we are truly ready to let go of the survival patterns or NOT. often it is NOT. because it’s scary. every week or month I go and confront myself in therapy. it’s not always easy. I think it is fun though. because I feel stagnant very quickly in life. and stagnation makes me depressed. and then I feel like I could lose “everything” overnight at the drop of a hat because I am being spiritually or emotionally lazy. I need to be pushed into the depths of fear that creep in my mind and heart as they do for all of us who are in human form. there is way further I want to go in life and I still need to work on my fears to achieve it. I don’t need to be a better healer, I have always been what I am. I just need to be a better person for myself and then the whole world opens. this is where talents or gifts mean nothing. think of bitter ivy art school kids who truly are the most talented, but are the most spiritually and emotionally lazy EVER and will never amount to anything because of it. truth. keep in mind also, that achievement or amounting to something doesn’t always mean money and recognition…we can be in a very long process with no “tangible” proof that we are on point, and also IN purpose at the same time…
the second part of the workshop I will host one week from this Sunday is energetic hygiene. this is somewhat connected to purpose because in finding purpose and being honest with ourselves, we have to look at the patterns we engage in DAILY as a result of our desire to either live in truth or continue the lies many of us live in. in either space, there are energetic patterns (physics) that creep into not just our minds but our daily habits. for example. I can not and will not leave my house in the morning without making my bed. in fact, it is the FIRST thing that I do. it represents order. it reflects my mental state. if I have clutter in my house, my mind is cluttered. it’s not chicken and egg. if my house is cluttered it means my mind is cluttered, whether I want to address that or not. in being cluttered, I am waving around all kinds of energetic patterns. I am engaging with others who have substantial debris in their life and I am bringing that into my mind and physical life. in MANY ways. this is an important topic and again it interrelates to the first part that we will cover: purpose (aka honesty).
all in all, my workshops tend to be deep. people open up and share when they typically otherwise would not. everyone will get individual focus and attention, and I will be candid about my personal challenges past and present and how I continue to move through them.
if you would like to join this small workshop, please call the business line at 646 470 1178 and Anita will call you back to book you. everyone will sign and send back a NDA via email in tandem with the workshop fee to confirm attendance. the workshop will run from 12-8pm. location is Manhattan and will be shared a couple of days prior to the workshop.
above: in my special spot, with amazing people
ok, this is it. last night and earlier today I was chatting with my new/old friend and collaborator for my destination SLS in Santorini. she is the hotel director, and a kindred soul. as she suggested I take one of my workshops to this extremely special location (you can read about it here), I needed a night to sleep on it to “see” it. I decided that this will happen. I can not think of a more fun way to spend a workshop with a small group of people for an entire week than in my special spot.
this workshop will run at the same rate as my single sessions, which ended up being modified luxury sessions encompassing a single day with unlimited correspondence for a fiscal week. the focus will be tailored to the group as well as each individual, and there will be freedom to spend as much or as little time as one would like with me/us during this week. main themes as usual are: life’s purpose, LETTING GO, wanting something we (think we) can’t have. while this is not a fertility workshop, I invite anyone facing fertility issues to attend — the main spores of underlying consciousness are the SAME whether we are dealing with an illness, a medical issue, or anything else in this life. it is all the same…believe it or not. this workshop is open to anyone who wants to change anything about their life. it is also open to anyone who has no idea why they would want to come, but something is telling them to come. age and occupation are irrelevant.
the structure will form itself, as it does in each of my workshops. our time together will loosely encompass a 12noon-8pm schedule, with some playing room. anyone who has taken a session or previous workshop with me knows that the red tape goes out of the window and we do what we need to do to get things done. there will be one on one time available during this workshop. there are treatment tables in this space and everyone will receive one attunement at some point during the week.
pre reqs are listed in the about section of my website and can be completed prior to attending the workshop. Anita (who can be seen in a testimonial video) will be returning all calls for this workshop. though this is not a medical retreat and I am not a doctor, I will be applying HIPAA – esque policy and everyone in or near the workshop will sign a non disclosure so that everyone is as free and comfortable as they can be to speak and feel freely (including me!). also the hotel staff, top to bottom, understands my work very well. they will be able to hold supportive space for us also. and privacy is a key feature at this location.
I hope you will have some time to read my recent posts about this location at some point, as the visceral reaction I had to this location is truly one for the books — and this is why I have chosen to return in more than one capacity.
photo by Jennifer Santaniello
once upon a time, I was immediately post-college and post massive awakening — huge ego death, my life had crumbled around me in every way possible, and I truly entered my first CONSCIOUS dark night of the soul (you can read about it here in my eBooklet 1). I had moved back to the Northeast where I was raised, and I was trying to stabilize my life — i.e. get a good/boring job, find a place to live and pay my rent, and daydream about my next steps.
before I had moved back to the Northeast, and during my period of substantial change and chaos, I often ventured out on the town (alone). I loved being alone! (still do). I never knew what the night might hold in terms of who I would meet, or what energy I would feel in xyz space. I would turn on music, pre-party alone, and head out in one of my wild outfits (during this time I also wore a lot of fake hair — a LOT of it) that made me feel like a character in a marvel movie. one night I went to this particular spot that was the spot of the moment. it was always filled with well-known actors, musicians and athletes, and I loved peering in on their world. I didn’t want to be part of it (because I knew what it entailed and either it wasn’t for me, or it wasn’t my “time”), but I did like being around it. I liked being invited places with those people because I found them super interesting and my energy felt safe with other “weirdos” who had somehow “made it”. at this one spot as I refer to above, a man approached me. usually I kept to myself, danced alone in a corner, and just enjoyed observing. on this particular night, I spoke with this very well-mannered, well-dressed man. actually, he was too well-dressed. I almost felt like a peasant around him, lol. he also smelled VERY good. to this day I do not know what flavor of cologne he sported. everything about him was special, worldly, and…intense. he was a laid back guy, had traveled the world, owned hotels in various spots, C-suited/worked in like 3 different industries which were totally unrelated, and rubbed elbows with really incredible people. I kept wanting to understand how he got to where he was, as he was the truest unicorn I had ever met. he was older than me, maybe 15-20 years. I was about 23 or so at the time. while I found him attractive and all of the above, I was not attracted to him. I also found him to be old, lol. in my early 20s I thought that 30+ was dinosaur territory, and I also thought that there was something possibly wrong with anyone who was single over 30. again, lol. anyhow, my new friend made it clear that he had traveled the world and never met an energy like mine before. he was interested. and so at the time, and perhaps for years after that, I just thought that compliment about my energy and being was a come-on. but his words/compliment would resonate super loudly later on…
after a series of explosive bombs and warfare ignited in my internal and external worlds, a couple of years had passed and we were still in touch. he had a to-die-for apartment spanning the penthouse of a wall street building, and he invited me for a night out on the town. I had always felt safe with him despite his interest in me, because he never once made me feel uncomfortable. he took care of me like an older brother would. I did not realize, at the time, how potentially rare it was for a grown man to spend time with a female he was interested in, and ask nothing of her other than platonic friendship. at any rate, we went out for my first night on the NYC town in years. we went to all of the “see and be seen” spots, and back then before social media destroyed the social night life, this was a really great scene. it attracted energy based on actual attraction, not promotion. there was a vibe, in certain places, that can’t be artificially created. as we ordered our first drinks — vodka cranberry — we took a sip and went to the dance floor. within moments he began talking to someone and I began to feel something I’d never felt before. my entire body began to flood with light. I don’t know how else to describe it. I had never taken a party drug before, and certainly never encountered anything that had made me feel that good, and the only thing I could compare this feeling to was being on a ton of pain killers post surgery. but it was beyond even that. as I stood with my drink, feeling this pure ecstasy, I immediately got nervous that I had been slipped a drug. which was nearly impossible. my friend was a health nut, didn’t believe in drugs, and woke up every day at 5am to do yoga at sunrise. I put my drink down and kept feeling my body. I felt so good that I was afraid. it contradicted almost everything I had ever felt in my life, up until that point. I looked around the room again for anyone who might have been the culprit of this intense high I was feeling out of nowhere. I could not pinpoint it, and I almost wanted it to stop because I had no control over knowing the source or the reason for this feeling. at some point the feeling passed, I mentioned it to my friend, and we went back to his incredible penthouse. he let me know that he doesn’t invite people over, not even close friends, because he didn’t want their “energy” in his space. again, I thought he was just trying to compliment me. I went to sleep in his guest room, and I recall feeling just very good and safe. I woke up at 530am to use the bathroom and I saw him doing yoga through his bedroom door. then I went home and forgot all about the experience I had that night.
a couple of years later, I was still forging my path of difficulty and working many different jobs. my interests were so varied and I was concerned that I would never amount to anything on paper because I was pulled in so many different directions. after working in finance and corporate trade and barter, and then advertising, I jumped ship to be my own boss. one of my next “jobs” was photo-doubling on a TV show. I had some direction, but it was all foreign territory and most people around me didn’t understand what I was doing or why. one day on set, my body began to buzz again. loud. I immediately flashed back to the experience that I had with my older man friend that night, in the nightclub. I thought well, ok, definitely no one has slipped me any kind of mind or body altering substance, and I remember this feeling. as I sat on breaks on set that day, I began googling like a maniac. I came across kundalini rising. BAM. things started to make sense…I consciously understood what was brewing inside of me.
I looked back at the time that I met this special man. I recalled his overwhelming resonance with my energy field. I recalled being at my rock bottom in all ways in life, feeling like a complete mess, but recognizing that people still wanted to be around me….??? I thought about how during that phase of destruction, there was a new energy birthing inside of me. I couldn’t recognize it at the time, but others sure did…I realized that this first period of tremendous difficulty in my life was maybe somehow connected to this…kundalini thing I was reading about!? but what was it? I connected the first set of dots and realized that my chakras were experiencing a cleansing during the time that I met my friend. they continued, during my years of difficulty, to clear. and when we reconnected a couple of years later, I was able to “meet” the energy that he had recognized in me, but that I could not yet see in myself. I HAD to call him from the TV set that day…
my eyes began to well up as I understood the fact that he “saw” me. I realized that it was more than a physical or intellectual attraction to/from him. and I realized that the power of his being intimidated me, though I loved being around it. as I reached out to him that day on set, I told him “my entire body is buzzing — I think I am experiencing a kundalini awakening/rising, do you know what that is?” we had never spoken about kundalini or many such words that the average person doesn’t throw around in their vocabulary. he said to me “this is the energy that we have been sharing since the day that we met”. even writing this makes my eyes well up with tears. this was the first “real” connection that I had with another human being, and I was so young. I had nothing to compare it to. he was there to prompt some of my own energy that no one else could prompt. this is real, by the way. we all have meridian lines that only certain people can help us ignite. we are equal in rights not in energy. know this!!!
looking back at this period of my life, I feel great affection for it. I had not realized at the time, how special this man was in my life. he also seemed “too good”, if that makes sense. I never thought I could measure up to his class, his achievements, his worldly knowing, etc. I would not say that I felt inadequate, but perhaps just rather in awe. and as I recall our encounters I shudder in the resonance that he “saw” me the whole time. even when I did not see myself. and if he had explained what that truly was at the time, I would not have understood it anyhow. he knew and understood things that I did not, during that time. and he let me be. because he didn’t see me, he saw…ME. my first experience with kundalini involved being seen. SEEN.
our processes are always met with the right people and the right energies, at the right time. someone may be assisting us in ways that we will not understand until much later in life. knowing how divinely ordered this seems to have been in my life brings me tremendous peace. even on my worst days. understanding the chaos as well as the bliss brings me tears of joy and gratitude.
kundalini energy is something that we share with a certain soul group. this is my belief, I have not read that belief anywhere else (yet). and again it is because we are each so different in our energetic make-up. sometimes we “stumble” upon one of its group members during a strange time in our life. I have concluded that it is usually during a chaotic time. and the person we will stumble upon will have already passed through the eye of the needle. and in doing so, when the two energies connect, the seasoned energy can hold space for the person who has no idea what is about to hit them/their life. it’s fucking beautiful.
this summer season, through the first week of October, I will be offering my first-time destination super luxury sessions in Santorini, Greece.
I have already posted about how and why it has taken so long to find the perfect location, and the perfect people to do this with. finding the *right* people is not easy. most people have agendas. most businesses have agendas. these people and this location has one agenda: love. truly. as I’ve described my way of working with people in the past, I do not see people just to “work”. if I had done that, my entire vibe and business would be so different. I have put myself in risky positions, logistically, just to listen to my heart. over and over and over again. the space that I have chosen (or rather it and the people in it has/have chosen me!) is yes business, but love first. we match. this is a true anomaly and a long-time coming.
these sessions will last one week in the most exotic and source-energy focused space you will ever encounter. we will be situated in the middle of a historic volcano, and what now remains of it. the work is already outlined many times in my blog. I don’t write about trade secrets and logistical agenda, and each session is tailor-made per person. it’s impossible to anticipate in advance. this is a super luxury destination, so for some folks it will be their entire year of planning for just one important week of their life; and for others, it will be as simple as booking a trip to the shopping center. in either case, what will be required is surrender and work, all the same, on a soul level. there will be very few of these that I am able to do, both energetically and logistically. the hotel itself is a dream, and I will let it be known that both the owner and hotel director very well understand and support my work. receiving this presence of understanding and support is the only way I can greenlight a location in which to do my work — it is energetically crucial to the experience as all people and things are interconnected whether we like it or not. in this case, we will like it!
if you are serious about booking the above, leave a message on the business line 646 470 1178. if you are already aware of the hotel because you have landed upon this page only as a byproduct of speaking with my support system at the hotel, please also feel free to coordinate through the venue. otherwise, for privacy purposes I am not listing the name of the hotel, just the same as with my NYC sessions.
as people become more comfortable with the concept of “healing” — and by that I mean legitimate healing with actual testimonials from real world people (more to come) –, they will also begin to open to the notion of energy as it translates to physical spaces. this is a project that I began working on last year. once again it is full of trade secrets, and so it may seem cryptic or ambiguous to others, but the bottom line is that the tangible results will deliver undeniable awareness. it is my goal to make people comfortable with the unseen so that they may live better lives. Rome was not built in a day but my ambition to tie all of these concepts together is something I have been working toward my entire life and more specifically the past decade. and like Gladwell’s Outliers book, the time has gestated tangible forms.
I am most excited to continue collaborating with many special people in my life. no one in it wants to take, but rather to inspire, collaborate, and see other people excited and happy. this is more than I could ever ask for, as most humans operate on such a strings-attached psychological basis. I will have none of that. and yet we will still get the “job” done!
this is strictly logistical so don’t get excited, lol.
it has been brought to my attention for close to two years now, that what I need is a manager. I have always done and tried to do everything by myself. probably, I should have gotten a manager a long time ago. but moving along, I am seeking one now. I do not want to cross boundaries with anyone I have worked with by asking directly for a good referral, so here is this post. IF you know someone amazing — and I mean top of the line only, A-list experience is a must — please leave me a message on the business line at 646 470 1178
in addition, I have someone in the works to step in for me in a controller/director of operations/somewhat admin role, this person is very strong and it will be an honor if we can make this work together (former patient of mine, to boot!), but in addition to OR perhaps simply in the meantime, I need to hire someone who is well-versed in setting up small businesses (websites, inventory, product production, administrative coordination etc). if we have worked together or you truly have an incredible recommendation for me, please also leave a message on the business line at 646 470 1178
over the past number of years I have made some unwise decisions regarding hiring, and I will never repeat those mistakes I made (not vetting people, hence unwittingly inviting in horrendous situations). this is probably what has kept me from hiring a proper manager, as well as some strong operational persons (fear of making the disastrous mistakes I made in the past). despite that, I HAVE since hired and continue to hire AMAZING individuals for various things including personal assistance, production, consulting and so on…so this is not to reflect on the last fiscal year and these people I currently have on board which and whom have been truly amazing to me! ( you all know who you are, reading this!). I have wonderful people around me now and I only want to continue that now as I grow and expand further…
during my time overseas it was strongly suggested once again that I get a manager first and foremost, not for my sessions but for my many legs of business I am building out in various industries. for example, in the coming months you will see much of this in docu-style, with former patients of mine turned collaborators in all fields — science, medicine, real estate, politics, entertainment, and so on. ALL energy/physics-centric, by the way.
thank you so much, in advance, for any serious considerations regarding my above needs that I am putting out there!
this one is simple. I think most of you whom I’ve worked with know this, but possibly you do not, if we have not worked on a monthly retainer basis together post initial session month…
if we have already worked together, and it has been at least a month (which undoubtedly is the case for nearly everyone!), I am offering 90minute remote sessions. these are accompanied by a 30-minute phone call. this is a total of 2 hours of consult and remote healing work, which you already have a strong sense for with me.
I write this because I’ve gotten a variety of reach-outs lately. I will be honoring time for each of us on this one.
IF you want to book a 2-hour remote slot with me, versus just talk to me for a free catch-up, please leave a voicemail on the 646 470 1178 business line. I am definitely excited as of late, especially, to get back in touch with many of you either in this above capacity or in the capacity of my Healing Elaine Movement meetups (which will be announced — we will be taping segments on fertility, past lives, and more very soon in New York City!). if you do not want to book a remote session with me, just stay tuned for info on upcoming events regarding HEM.
the view seen above video link is more than just a pretty view.
on my short plane ride to this destination, which lasted about 45 minutes, I did something that I have not done in years: I gently crossed my arms as if directed by another force, I closed my eyes, and I fell into a deep, peaceful meditative sleep that lasted THROUGH THE LANDING. it lasted through the landing of the plane. as my body and mind recognized that the vehicle I was in made contact with the ground, something else happened. this feels a little bit personal to write about here, but I will share in brief; my hands began to buzz and it extended into my arms. so much so, that I said to my friend sitting next to me “something is happening”…I am not a person who enjoys being out of control or persuaded by energy beyond my own (which is why I am generally not into substances), and this felt similar to something both foreign yet familiar that was moving into my body/field/spirit. as this happened, I felt the kind of peace that I feel often during my daily yoga practice in New York, or during a very intense session in which I am a conduit for a ton of energy for a person. whatever worked and moved within me on this plane ride was divine, and I will leave it there. which leads me in part, to this post…
I have been looking for overseas locations, for some time now, for destination luxury sessions. for those who don’t just want a vacation, but to remove themselves from the meridian lines of their day-to-day in order to make a true change in their life. Thailand, SE Asia and the like are incredible and I have been there, but I think they are over-done by American tourists — we “hear” about a “spiritual” place and then we “have to go”. I see a lot of attempts to “borrow” the culture or the principles of a culture without really doing any actual work inside one’s self, and none of us “becomes spiritual” or “enlightened” because we took a trip to a spiritual place. it doesn’t work that way. anyhow, this is to say that as I have been looking for destination session locations of a luxury variety (please keep in mind that I do not work, and have never worked “hourly”, I won’t do it for anyone, and if you want to understand my work please read through my entire blog), I was waiting to FEEL. not read, or see, or be convinced that “xyz place is the most spiritual! go!”. no. this is how many of us still base our decisions in life, and it’s still working from the outside in. this is why instagram will cease to exist in the way that it already has, it will be a fleeting flash in the pan for those who desire all things instantaneous. and so with my work, in seeking proper places/people/energy to be part of such, nothing is inta-anything and my destination sessions will be the same. this is the energy I have been waiting to come across.
in tandem with coming across this geographical energy for my work, which extends into many different tentacles, there is the root or spore connection to such that is most important; meaning the people at the head or helm of said venue(s) understand my work very well, first-hand. when I work in New York City, I have the same. I only work from spaces in which I have been invited to do so, because someone on the “inside” has experienced my work. this is the same here. it must be this way for me, or else the balance is thrown off. when I work from a particular space, I must feel all of the meridian lines and all of the energy of the people in the space (even if there are dozens of rooms), interconnected in a specific way. I understand this concept is not understood by many, because to understand we must *experience* — not just take in as information or read it somewhere such as I am writing here. so at the risk of sounding cryptic as I often do, I will simply state the fact that when I work in a space I take into account EVERY single energy in it. I don’t rent random hotel rooms in midtown where crap is flying around everywhere. so when people consider the “cost” of these sessions, there is far more to factor in than some roadside-healing-esque operation. what will happen is in total opposition to our fast-paced “insta” culture, and it scares many people. the luxury destination sessions are no exception, and I have received incredible support from the tippity-top down at the Mediterranean location from which these will happen this summer and fall. if you are interested in a luxury destination session, consider everything that I have written about my SLS and then take into account the fact that these will take place in a far away land…
as per my “regular” sessions. those stopped. I have already updated on this front in previous posts. I have never worked in the capacity that my colleagues in this “realm” work, it’s just not me. therefore it has taken a tremendous amount of effort to scale my work accordingly and not get sick or drastically depleted. my choice of session has changed, my dynamic of working has changed, and it has not come from a space of intellect but rather deep guidance and resonance by many things beyond me. what is currently available are luxury sessions only. what this means is that whether in New York City or another location, we will spend more than one day together in one week’s time. I am always very accommodating and tailor-made in terms of what I will offer for follow-up support remotely, in addition to our time together. no session is the same, so you will not get a menu of specifics — rather the menu will be set around duration and some open-ended communication within a timeline context. if I travel to you, there is a base fee depending on national or international arrangements. if you come to me, I will organize your experience to be designated to a particular location in which you will stay a minimum of 2 nights. everything I do is supported from a luxury perspective, meaning your privacy, needs and concerns will be met with the utmost fulfillment. everyone will sign a NDA, which will support both/each of us, as well as the environment we are in. if you are interested in a SLS or luxury session in NYC (or another city), set aside at least two days during which you can be “away” from your regular life. of course exceptions can be made, and we can organize this in 24-hour fashion, but the suggestion is to give yourself a couple of days at minimum. with a luxury session comes a luxury cost — and this depends upon how much time is required on my end. I can not begin to describe what I go through in my every day, day-to-day encounters even with people who I am not working with, and it is exaggerated during my work with someone. I literally lend my energy field 100%, and there is no way for me to negotiate that with the Universe, lol. it happens whether I want it to or not. it has been this way since the day I was born. take into account that this work is serious. it can be gentle, yes, loving, and extremely supportive, but do not look for a quick or cheap fix. you will not find it with me. if that is not your bag, there are some amazing people who can support you; some of them are listed online in New York City (the ones I would feel comfortable suggesting for what I can an “express” session), and I am reluctant to list referrals here for a variety of reasons. but know that these people are out there, and if you resonate with someone (for better OR for worse), know that this is part of your path in life and you will gain either way. there is no such thing as a “bad” experience — if you are having it, you needed to have it!
now an update from my summer abroad; my biggest takeaway has been seeing how much support I have, but also how much people VALUE and understand what I do. one of my friends is an accredited philosopher and economist. this person understands science and physics, and they own dozens of big businesses on our planet. I had dinner with this person recently while in Athens, and my understanding of the people/places/things that I can touch expanded greatly. I have always known that the “secrets of the Universe” so to speak are shared by many, in a specific collective, and that many of these people have been put on our planet to change things with this knowledge (whether they realize this or not, or whether they realize HOW to or not). the dinner I speak of was revelational but really just confirmation in terms of where I am personally headed and the impact I will be able to help make with like minds. it has been during this trip that a renewed sense of worth has arisen, and I see just how much I have given in the past. some have understood it, and some have not. and none of it matters either way, as we are a marble collective of consciousness. that said, my mind has opened in terms of how I may work in all of the capacities that I have been writing about for some time — in medicine, in art, in fashion, in real estate, and so on. the painting is becoming clearer as I step away from it. before taking this much-needed time away from work work work work work, I did not see my output as clearly as I do now. I did not know that there was another way to do things, or, if I did, I was not sure how to do it. being supported emotionally and intellectually and spiritually in the way I now am has changed a lot for me. and it’s not just about being away and taking some time for “me” (which was really very hard for me to do…)…it also happened at home…
at home I have a support system that once only existed in my dreams. this support system arose in a more profound way when I decided to take some time for myself. I can’t express how interesting yet personally healing this correlated experience has been for me, and it has made me stronger inside. we often do not know what support we have until we step out of our comfort zone to be truly vulnerable enough to receive. we do not receive without vulnerability. masking vulnerability is fear. I’ve written about mine many times. I had to work with some of those masks and it was and still is uncomfortable, even though I understand them consciously and intellectually (OBVIOUSLY). this take-away as of latest has been my greatest gift, perhaps in years. seeing far more clearly my value, my purpose, and those around me who truly love me and think of me as family. so, thank you to those of you who have been part of this experience.
today I will make some phone calls for the first time in weeks or maybe even months. as I listened through probably 100 voicemails already today, I could feel my body preparing just to LISTEN to them. this is a sensitivity that, while wonderful for my work, does not allow me to be like a machine and call everyone back and have conversations with everyone. I would die, physically. if I call you back, I am responding not to your worth or value (because EVERYONE is worthy and valuable — this is not what reflects a returned call, so please know this clearly), but to timing. I am also never aware of someone’s logistics or budget, so if we speak and I let you know how I work and it is not for you, I will make a suggestion or two for you to see someone else who might suit what you want in terms of time. and I will make this clear: my time is what is taken into account for all of my sessions. if you understand this, then you understand my fees etc.
the last thing that I want to say is this: we are not trees. if we do not like where we are, if we do not like the person we are married to or dating, if we do not like our job or if we do not like blah blah blah, WE NEED NOT STAY. the biggest issue I see with America is that it has far too many first-world problems. it is almost laughable, how we think. the real problem is that we don’t have it bad enough. and I’m not talking about emotionally or spiritually, I am talking logistically. I, myself, have been caught in the matrix of thinking life must be “like this” or “like that” or “I can’t work from there” or “I can’t do this”. it’s because I’ve been trapped in a city or country which does not match the expansive nature of my soul, or of anyone’s soul. we can change this when we take risks. the rest of the world is already ahead in terms of CULTURE. so consider this. if you truly do not like something, there is a way to change your entire life. and maybe that means that you suffer for a week or a month or longer, but just one day of the peace that is available to is worth ALL OF IT.
we do not envy things. we think we envy “things”. material things. a spouse or partner of another person. a vacation. etc. we do not envy those things. we envy, rather, the perception around those things which is joy. we envy *perceived* joy. so we actually envy: JOY…
if nothing was learned from recent and public suicides, it should be this; inner peace has no price. it can not be bought, sold, or acquired. it can only be borne from within, and for many of us, that comes through simple (but not easy) trials and tribulations. some of us are willing to face the latter, and some of us are not willing. for those of us who are willing, we will undoubtedly conquer; hence we will become “rich” — first, internally. but the external eventually becomes a byproduct of the internal…
a very wealthy man once said to me “if I had a fraction of what you have inside, I would give all of my money for it”. I had no idea what he was talking about as: I was stressed beyond belief, I had no money for food, I was in eviction proceedings, I could not find work to save my life (and this is not an understatement) even as I littered all of the city with my resume and pounded doors for work — any work — (clearly the Uni wanted me doing something else), I was alone without any close supportive relationships in my life or a partner, and I was at one of my “bottoms”. I thought about it for a moment, and then later, his comment, and I realized that what he was looking at was a person (me) who had been broken so many times prior, that there was nothing left to take from me, really — and so I was free. and so the joy that lived inside of me was poking out like swiss cheese from my body and soul. he wanted my freedom. but he was too afraid. he was too afraid to have joy. because joy takes work. he refused joy. and with all of the money in the world, he was extremely poor.
perhaps being broken many times was a lucky strike; perhaps being broken so many times was a choice I made, because I have always chosen integrity over a shortcut because something in my soul knows it will only pay the price harder, later. I knew that “breaking” now, or allowing myself to break, would only clear the path for me later on. I knew I could not avoid certain lessons in life and so I had to surrender to them. perhaps I am “lucky” because I always take the hard path and face the fear. lucky or not, I am free because I have been screwed so many times in life. so many times that around 2011 there became (almost) nothing left for me to fear. and this is what many of us (including me, at times, and in the past), will just not face. at the core/spore of that is one thing and one thing only: FEAR. we will not face fear. fear blocks us from joy. fear blocks some or most of us from material “things”. what might that fear be?
the fear of humiliation. the fear of embarrassment. the fear of judgment. the fear of being all alone. those are the main ones. when I look at some of the wealthiest and most otherwise private individuals I’ve known or worked with, more than anything, they fear exposure. there are several reasons for that which I won’t bother outlining much here as to not digress from the point of this article/post. but appearances seem to be everything for us humans. for example:
have you ever seen or known a family who came from nothing, had nothing, therefore really had nothing to lose, aired their grievances publicly, embarrassed themselves on the daily yet seemed so…free? there was nothing for them to hide, as the material world was not available to wraith as some illusion for others to aspire to. I have known or observed these people/families. it is a liberating place to live. yes, there are stresses — how do I pay the phone bill? how do I keep the lights on? will my child ever get an education? yet, those are LOGISTICAL stresses. logistical stresses are ALWAYS trumped by emotional secrets and shame. every single time. our emotional state will always dictate our level of happiness, not things. and so when things are not available to distract us, we can focus on our feelings…and some of us/people have no problem letting them be known. my point is, with those who resonate with the above, they are free. they are not pretending. stressed or not, they are too close to the concern of survival to pretend. when we do not pretend, we are free. most of us pretend…
when someone in the press took their life recently (there have been half a dozen of these humans), I got a reach-out from someone close to them. they felt somewhat responsible, and wondered if there was anything they could have done. they wondered if had they referred me this person, if things might have been different. and the thing is this; what can be “done” to make things different is our collective and INDIVIDUAL ability to stop pretending. it’s why I write candidly and speak candidly in sessions or workshops — this is my contribution to humanity, simply to not pretend. pretending puts us, and those around us, in jail. just as an example, only, to stop pretending in order to get one step closer to joy: if our marriage is a sham, consider facing that reality. not publicly, necessarily, but personally. start with admitting it in therapy. address the TRUTH. as other examples; if we are completely cash poor but keep finding ways to attain a yacht or beautiful apartment to keep up with the Joneses, maybe confide in on person close to us as to the reality. if we are struggling with an addiction, focus not on stopping the addiction, but rather on sharing our truth in a safe place. if we have been sexually abused or violated, dare to share (I know this can be the scariest thing for most people to ever state, and it is an experience that literally kills people — via suicide, illness, or otherwise). across the board, secrets kill us. and then we focus on “things”, or rather “things” shroud us in some kind of “protection” that ends up killing us. first, emotionally and spiritually. and then, maybe when the soul has had enough and can no longer live in such a lifeless and restricted vessel, it just must leave. one way or another.
back to the point of this article/post. when people are in pain, and whether they search for “things” or not, they are searching for joy. it is the one thing that eludes so many people. it is the one reason why I will never be short of work. and it is the one thing that we can spend a lifetime working on. and that is the point of life. so when I see someone coveting an aspect of someone’s life or my own, what they are coveting or envying is a piece within themselves that no circumstance can ever fill or replace. it is their deliberate, whether conscious or not, distraction from their ability to work for their own joy (yes, joy can take work when fear is blocking it), that they will use as this excuse to “envy” another life. it is why reality tv has been popular. and those folks and I will tell you that that perception is all a sham. image. it’s a sham. people are not happier with things, or their vacation, or their “time off”, or their “perfect spouse” or their designer clothes or their safe bank account. less stressed — maybe, maybe…I am not even sure, because I’ve seen it all with my work. and what I want you to consider as you begin your day and think that your life would be easier if only xyz, is that the only thing that will make it easier is your road to joy…
work on this road to joy in any way possible. because once you are graced with those “things”, you will find another test waiting for you: the big, dark, vacant void of actual joy. and it will be a resounding loud thud. and you will look for more ways to fill it, once you are “successful” in any way, in the material world…it is why people can not stop buying or acquiring “things”…none of us really ACTUALLY desire “things”…
it has been a pleasure of mine to meet many wealthy people who got there as a byproduct of their JOY. they knew, as I have always known (and I believe we ALL know this on some level, so there are no excuses for any of us), that without working toward that core, they can not find joy. if we are born into material wealth, this can be an especially tough one, as depending upon our environment growing up, we may not know what to focus on. OR, if our environment is especially horrible, we may learn that nothing can buy us happiness. this can be the greatest gift. and back to the physics of the equation, when I meet folks of incredible wealth and they are envied by many, what those who envy them do not know and perhaps may never know, is that their external “wealth” has been not only created, but rather SUSTAINED by their joy. in every. single. case. without their joy, they have nothing. it is in this way that we actually only ever envy JOY (or perceived joy via “things”, but nonetheless the spore is always envied joy) in others. unlike the material world, joy can be readily worked toward. so if you suffer from envy, know that you are already 50% closer to what you think you aspire to than you realize.